December 4, 1998

Dear Mrs. Clinton,

I am a 37-year-old sexuality educator and researcher working on my Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania Graduate School of Education. I encourage you to end your silence about your husband's sexual activities outside of your marriage, for your silence speaks loudly. What people hear from your silence is based on their experiences, attitudes, beliefs, moral values, and political agendas. Your silence offers politicians, pollsters, pundits, and prominent voices an opportunity to speak on your behalf.

Many theories have been put forward as to why you remain married: There are the selfish theories that state you are staying with your husband for power and prestige, and the altruistic theories that state you are staying with him for the party or for the country. These theories assume you will seek divorce once President Clinton's term is over. Then there is the equity theory that assumes you knew what was going on but did not care because you have lovers on the side also. I have also heard it said "she doesn't care, she's a lesbian." Unfortunately, this is all too familiar heterosexist name-calling that is used to reinforce stereotypical gender roles. The less popular opinion is that you are staying with your husband out of love for or loyalty to him, or concern for your daughter. In general, many view your marriage as a marriage of convenience, a business partnership, or even a sham.

I make no claims of knowing the truth about your personal and private relationship with your husband. It is my belief, however, that comments and judgments about your marriage reflect myths and misconceptions about marriage and committed relationships in general. I urge you to take this opportunity to educate the American people about the relationship of sex and marriage or committed relationships.

The first message I suggest is that far too much importance is placed on sex in a relationship. Marriages are often established because the sex is good without really knowing if the relationship is good. Marriages are ended over sex without examining the relationship. Sex can be a positive or negative factor in a relationship, but does not make or break a relationship in and of itself.

Second message, if sex is not the be all and end all of a marriage or committed relationship, what are other reasons people may want to commit to each other and stay committed? Ability to communicate open and honestly with each other, a feeling of acceptance, mutual respect, mutual support and common interests are good for starters. How about love? Love is great but is often confused with sexual feelings because we have never been given permission to have sexual feelings without love. Sexual feelings may exist without love and love may exist without sexual feelings. It takes time to sort them out. A relationship founded on communication, acceptance, and respect, and solidified by love, shared history, and a shared vision for the future is not as easy to throw away as one merely based on individual sexual behaviors.

Many of our citizens struggling with their relationships desperately need to hear a rational voice speaking to the richness and complexity of both sex and committed relationships. I hope your voice will be the one.