Humor (29 posts)
16. Film at 11:00
Mon, Jan 25, 1999 - /EST
Gayle
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he "lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN??
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher".
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal, Forest Mann, reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE STRAPS!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours, until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
17. More Film at 11:00
Mon, Jan 25, 1999 - /EST
Gayle
TOO WELL-EDUCATED.
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
ARE WE ARE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
18. You and Your Computer
Tue, Jan 26, 1999 - 1:32 PM/EST
Gayle
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
19. McRostie...Stay Away From Texas!!!
Fri, Jan 29, 1999 - 6:10 PM/EST
Gayle
To Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys
372.00 An addendum to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Code
372.01 Any person with a valid Texas Drivers License or identification card may hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting purposes only. Commercial hunting, harvesting or trapping of attorneys requires a special Texas State Rodent and Armadillo Trapping Permit. This permit is available at no charge at any Texas Parks and Wildlife office.
372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
372.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance, emergency police vehicle or emergency fire equipment being driven in reverse. If attorney is accidentally struck dead by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside (if traffic permits) and the motor vehicle moved to the nearest car wash for decontamination. If the attorney is not yet dead, contact should be made with the Texas Parks and Wildlife officer in the county of said accident for removal of debris.
372.04 It shall be unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or aircraft.
372.05 It shall be unlawful to shout "Whiplash", "Ambulance" or "Free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
372.06 It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of a BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealership, except on Wednesday afternoons.
372.07 It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.
372.08 If an attorney gains an elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
372.09 It shall be unlawful to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
20. It's a shame...
Tue, Feb 2, 1999 - 11:48 PM/EST
Gayle
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
21. A Reason to Live in Oregon
Wed, Feb 3, 1999 - 1:05 PM/EST
Gayle
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to
march right through the gates of heaven -- others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from the Northwest; they're too wet to burn!"
21. Non Sequiter
Fri, Feb 5, 1999 - 2:36 PM/EST
JimP
Those of us who get the comic strip Non Sequiter, today's panel is apropos. If you can, read it. If asked, I'll try to put the gist on the thread.
22. Why I moved SOUTH!
Sat, Feb 6, 1999 - 3:36 AM/EST
Gayle
You might be from Upstate New York if:
You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
You think that people from Pennsylvania have an accent.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack of Genny and a bucket of Buffalo wings or a white hot.
You believe that "down south" means Maryland.
You bake with soda and drink soft drink.
Halloween is snowed out with great regularity.
You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
You know that Buffalo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.
Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the opening of deer season.
Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.
The year has two seasons: Winter and Road Construction.
Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.
Half the television channels you get are Canadian, eh.
It's a disgrace to buy Fuji products.
From May to October there is a festival every weekend celebrating a different fruit, vegetable, or agricultural product.
Every vehicle you own has a ski rack or a gun rack.
22.
Mon, Feb 8, 1999 - 12:51 PM/EST
Gayle
As you are receiving this note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for
your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
23. Maybe I'll cancel that next flight!
Wed, Feb 10, 1999 - 12:19 PM/EST
Gayle
"Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force
pilots and from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
24. hee hee hee!
Wed, Feb 10, 1999 - 4:10 PM/EST
eireann
that's absolutely hilarious, gayle. i sent it to a whole bunch of people in my office. thanks for the afternoon laugh! :)
-erin
25. Redneck’s Valentine
Fri, Feb 12, 1999 - 1:06 AM/EST
Gayle
MY Trucks all green, my dog’s name is Blue,
And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin’ in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s, and without all them fleas.
You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as Bud Light, right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore pits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits!
And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me, back in ‘74.
Still them fellers in the north 40, they all want me to tell,
What I did to deserve such a purty young belle.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles, and stick ‘em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd.
Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant, upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You spark up my life, like that old linear I had.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.
Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; it’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger; “That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds; It’s a new 350 chevy motor!
26. A Farmer's Divorce
Fri, Feb 12, 1999 - 1:36 AM/EST
Gayle
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those
dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I havea John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
27. The farmer/communication
Fri, Feb 12, 1999 - 11:22 AM/EST
JimP
is one I use in almost all my facilitation sessions. I use it to explain the relationships between the client, (the farmer), the vendor who offers software for the client (the lawyer) and us consultants (who interpret for both).
It works every time.
Jim
